Why do adults act like they do?
Sometimes adults can be loud and make things stressful… but it’s not your fault..
Ever feel like the adults are ready to snap?
Whether it’s road rage in the car, shouting in the kitchen, or just a constant bad mood, it can be confusing and sometimes scary to watch and be around.
You might wonder if you did something wrong, or why they can’t just “calm down.”
Adults are people too and sometimes they have feelings that are hard to understand or manage.
This page is here to help you make sense of confusing feelings, understand where their anger can sometimes come from, and remind you that you are not responsible for fixing it.
How adults handle anger teaches children how to handle theirs.
Imagine everyone carries a bucket inside their head. Every day, stress pours into it. Work pressure, money worries, traffic jams, arguments – it all fills the bucket up.
Taking care of your feelings is like having a tap at the bottom to let the stress out (talking to friends, exercising, or relaxing). But sometimes, adults forget how to open the tap or simply don’t get the chance to.
When the bucket gets too full, it overflows.
That “overflow” can look like shouting, slamming doors, or road rage. If an adult snaps at you for something small, it’s usually not about you. It’s about the bucket being too full.
Sometimes, adults are running on an old update. Believe it or not, your parents were your age once!
When they were your age, they watched their parents. If their parents handled stress by shouting or getting angry, your parents’ brains “downloaded” that behaviour as the normal way to act.
Now that they are adults, they are running on that old update. They are just repeating the behaviours they learned when they were younger.
Here is the power move – you have the chance to download a new update.
Just because they deal with stress that way, doesn’t mean you have to. You can spot the pattern of how adults deal with stress in a negative way and choose to do it differently.
It’s important to know the difference when an adult is either “stressed” or “dangerous”.
Understanding why an adult is angry helps make it less scary, but it doesn’t make it okay for them to hurt you, either physically or emotionally.
It is okay for an adult to be tired, grumpy, or stressed.
It is NOT okay for an adult to hit you, scare you, or make you feel unsafe.
If the “overflow” feels dangerous, you don’t need to understand it—you need to get out of the way and tell someone who can help.
I don’t feel safe right now:
Key Resources
The Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution has a whole range of information that will help you understand your own but also your parent or carers behaviour.
Families can be private and loyalty means looking out for each other. Even though you might want to protect your family, it’s important to know the difference between secrets and safety.
Imagine carrying a secret in your backpack –
- A good secret feels exciting, like planning a birthday present. It will end soon, it feels light to carry.
- A bad secret feels heavy. It can make your stomach hurt and you might be worried about someone finding out.
If a secret makes you feel scared, anxious or sick – it is not a secret. It is a weight and you are not meant to carry it alone. There is support to help with a whole range of feelings you might have like this in your life.
Key resources:
- I Am Me Scotland Learning Platform – I Am Me Scotland’s new online platform hosts a range of health and wellbeing resources, such as Disability Awareness, Children’s Rights, Alcohol & Substance awareness, mental health, and hate crime.
- Barnados – https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services
Drink/Drugs:
- Drugs and Law
- What is a Drug?
- Alcohol – What is a Unit?
- Why do people take drugs
- SFAD Routes (peer support) – Support if you’re worried about your parent or carers alcohol or drug use.
- Nacoa (helpline) – The Six “C”s – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it, I can take care of myself, I can communicate my feelings & I can make healthy choices.
Online Shaming:
- Childnet (family agreements) – Family Agreement | Childnets
- CYPCS (rights) – Child Rights | The Rights of Children and Young People – CYPCS
- UK Safer Internet Centre – Resources for young people to understand online world.
- Young Scot “Aye Feel” – Provides a broad range of articles on conflict, mood, and rights and links emotional support with practical entitlements (Young Carer Grant, bus travel), acknowledging that financial independence often aids physical safety.
Helplines/Support:
- National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) – Helpline.
- Samaritans – Contact Us.
- Scottish Action for Mental Health (SAMH) – Providing mental health social care support, addictions and employment services, among others.
- Victim Support Scotland – Victim Support Scotland is the foremost charity dedicated to supporting people affected by crime throughout Scotland. They offer free, independent and confidential support for victims, witnesses and their families.
The Safety Hatch:
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