What You Pass Down
Scottish Violence Reduction Unit

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What you pass down, they pass on.

Children don’t just hear you.... They become you.

Shadowy figure representing harmful behaviour passed down.

Violence isn't inevitable, it's preventable.

That means you have the power to change it.

We tell our children to be kind, to keep calm. But children don’t learn from what we say – they learn from what we do. Whether it’s how we handle a cut-up on the motorway or a conflict in the kitchen, little eyes are always watching.

You are their first and most powerful teacher. But we are human, and humans make mistakes.

This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being aware.

My sister taught me to think before I type, ask before I share and never retaliate.

when you change your reaction, you change their future.

For a long time, we believed that aggression and anger were just “part of who we are”. But science tells a different story.

Violence and aggressive behaviour aren’t inevitable traits written in your DNA. They are learned responses to stress, fear, and frustration. This is what psychologists call “Social Learning”. Your child acts like a sponge, absorbing how you handle the world’s pressure.

Reducing the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) children are exposed to means they have a brighter, healthier future – watch this short 4 min video to see how negative influences on a child can have real impacts on their future.

The good news is that because these behaviours are learned, they can be unlearned.

“In the Heat of the Moment”

How we handle anger teaches children how to handle theirs.

When the red mist descends, we all know the feeling. The heart races and clear thinking unravels. It’s a biological response to stress, and it happens to the best of us.

But while that rush of anger feels uncontrollable in the moment, it is not inevitable. You have a choice.

In that second between feeling the trigger and releasing the explosion, there is a gap. That gap is where you can change the outcome – not just for you but for any little eyes watching you.

My uncle taught me to walk proud, walk tall and just walk away.
  • Silvercloud – SilverCloud is a website with courses you can do to improve your mental wellbeing. You can learn new ways to deal with the challenges you’re facing. It’s designed by clinical experts, and supported by the NHS and Scottish Government. When you go into the SilverCloud site for the first time, enter the access code NHS24.
  • Daylight is a digital programme to improve anxiety based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). It’s clinically proven to help people improve their anxiety symptoms. Daylight teaches you practical CBT techniques that help tackle the root causes of anxiety. By using Daylight for just a few minutes each day, you can start to feel more in control. You can use Daylight via the app for iOS and Android devices. To access this course, you need to provide the first half of your postcode and your email address.
  • Scottish Conflict Resolution Centre / Cyrenians – SCCR Quiz. Take a quiz to learn more about what makes you tick and the chemicals at work in your brain making you feel the way you do.

“The Daily Rituals”

How do you want your child to handle their first heartbreak, exam stress or a bad day at work 20 years from now?

The coping strategies they will use are the ones they are watching you use now.

If daily rituals are your only way to cope, you aren’t alone. It’s okay to ask for help. Check out the support below.

My mum raised me to communicate, appreciate and de-escalate.

“The Hidden Classrooms”

You are teaching and influencing even when you aren’t ‘parenting’ or even a parent!

We tend to think education happens at school and parenting happens at home. But the most powerful lessons often happen in between.

Children and young people are learning in environments you might not even think of as classrooms:

  • The car – It’s not just transport, it’s a lesson in patience and safety
  • The pitch – It’s not just a game, it’s a lesson in respect and emotional control
  • The screen – It’s not just scrolling, it’s a lesson in how we treat people we can’t see.

Wherever and whoever you are – you are the teacher, and you can positively influence children and young people.

My coach taught me ball control, chest control and self control.

“The Digital World”

We often feel our online world is private – locked behind a screen.

But our children are watching more than just their own devices; they are watching adults too. When we react with aggression to a lost game, type a furious comment in a moment of stress or lose hours to a screen in silence, we are unintentionally writing a manual for them on how to handle conflict and connection.

Taking a moment to reflect on our own digital habits isn’t about guilt – it’s about growth.

It is never too late to press pause and rewrite that manual. Whether you are concerned about your own relationship with social media, online gaming rage, or digital dependency, asking for help is the most powerful lesson you can teach.

My brother showed me how to avoid arguments, spot trolls and that blocking is better than rage bait.

“Breaking the Cycle”

We all follow a script written by our own past.

Maybe you learned to shout when you were angry because that’s what your family did. Perhaps you learned to shut down and stay silent. Maybe you learned or were influenced to treat other people in a particular way based on their gender, physical appearance, ethnicity, religious background or more.

But the truth is that you are the author of the next chapter.

Just because a behaviour was passed down to you, doesn’t mean you have to pass it on. You have the power to edit the story. It takes courage to look at your own reactions and say – the cycle stops here!

It’s not easy to change a lifetime of habits, but you aren’t alone. Support is out there to help you.

With girls, dad taught me to raise my self-esteem, raise my game but never raise my hand.
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